Today

"Whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when I am conscious of the least uneasiness within, or the least irregularity without, I will then subject myself to the strictest examination." ~Jonathan Edwards

That is how I feel today. Out of order and uneasy. Doubtful of what I am doing. Why can't I do it better? Am I a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter, a good friend? Is the Lord pleased with my doings? Why do so many things seem out of whack? Is it my fear of failure and thinking that I'm heading in that direction?

These aren't things to easily verbalize to anyone except my husband. He's the only one who shares my possible failures. The only one who understands the seriousness of it b/c we risk it together. I don't want to fail.

Things I'm tired of hearing....
Your kids are so well behaved.
You're doing a good job.
They'll be fine b/c they've had such a good start.
How do you do it all?
You must be so patient.
..maybe because there are so many....
Is this the last one? (I'll answer that here. NO I hope not! and don't ask me when we're having another one.)


Things I want to hear....
Well done my good and faithful servant.
I love you Momma (from someone older than 5)
Let's go away for the weekend.

So I ask the Lord to walk back through this day with me and show me what I need to see. I need to get up earlier. I need to close the door sometimes. I need to set the rules and stick with them. I need to not be resentful for what I want and will never have. I need to surrender so much more. And I think I need to stop rambling....