Scrambled Thoughts Of Moving Part 2

I love this blog. It helps me sort out the mess in my brain. I think this will end up sounding more like something that should be on my husband's blog than mine!

Fear will stop you in your tracks. That's where I am now. All of a sudden.

Was there fear involved in the move from AR to CO? Yep. But it was different. Fear of the unknown...more like uncertainty. New city, new house, new friends, new church, new everything.

But we moved ahead with the leading of the Lord and with noble motives to boot. And boy did we move in! We pretty much jumped in with both feet and ran with it.

Oh there was the homesickness. Much much homesickness. And crying calls back home. And lots of walks with Joey convincing myself that I DO like CO.

And I do. We all do.

Then there was the day when I checked my e-mail to find a soccer registration from my son's team in FSM. And my husband got a job offer. AND our old house was for sale again. Oh my. BUT we did not have the leading from the Lord. And that was ok. A bit of a sad sigh, but ok anyway.

Life went on and we were still enjoying CO. More so everyday with new friends and growing closer to our church.

Then there were the miscarriages. And the lack of conceiving in general. And while I don't even have a reason for mentioning it, it's there all the same. Sort of the feeling of ....this never happened back home.

Graduation in AR. A fun trip back with Eldest to watch our friends. The comfortable feeling of being home and praying to the Lord with questions like..."can this ever be home again?" Lots of tears saying goodbye. And that was it. I decided that I could not have a foot in both worlds. We couldn't go back unless it was to stay. But could we go back to stay? Through prayer I felt the Lord's permission to talk to Mike about it.

That time didn't come. You see, the next morning we woke up and he prayed with me about going back! What? I didn't mention it. I was happy to be home. This was the first I'd heard anything about him having similar ideas.

A job became available and he got an offer the same day. What does that mean? A chance to go home...but is it right?? What about all the reasons we left? They are still there.

We don't have a good answer when people ask "why?". There's no particular reason. We don't hate it here. We're not moving toward more money. In fact there's every reason to stay. I go back and forth between excitement to go home and fear of leaving all that is good.

And there is plenty of good. Free college tuition. A job 2 miles up the road. A great house with lots of open space outside. Opportunities for our kids. A church that is more like a family than any we've known before.

And while we feel the Lord's permission we do not feel His leading. As in the reason to go or the command to go. Just like permission if we want to.

So now what? I'm gripped with fear and confusion and the inclination to just sit down and stay. I know the verses about fear. And right now they don't shed any light.

Please pray for peace.